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Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll 
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court. 
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved. 
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!  |
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The CIA had openings for Assasins See how they Did... |
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”  | | |
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Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive?"
Olive? A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."
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Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but it's the fathers who want to play with them.
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Santa - 5:53 PM, Dec. 9, 2005 |
* I know when you´ve been bad or good, so let´s skip the small talk, sister!
* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
* Some of my best toys run on batteries...
* I see you when you´re sleeping - and you don´t wear any underwear, do you?
* Screw the "nice" list -- I´ve got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
* That´s not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I´m just glad to see you! |
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Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male
reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks |
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 One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn´t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn´t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for the holidays.
Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter and pressed her for information about college. "So, are you enjoying college, dear?" she asked.
Chelsea nodded vigorously.
"And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned.
Once again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with these boys?"
Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment, she straightened, stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."
Sorry Chelsea, Your a great person but this joke is funny... Had to post it! |
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Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
A: They both have ornamental balls. |
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Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A: You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
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Letters to and from Santa
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. Yer frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How 'bout I send you a freakin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane, son? Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the squirts and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to kiss my ass? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiny begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First-ly, stop calling yourself "Mark-y." That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
I love the humor of Holiday Jokes |
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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.
She did, he replied. But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?
 Now that is a funny Cheap Joke!
Again Please!!!
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.
She did, he replied. But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?
Now that is a funny Cheap Joke! |
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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor. The doctor says, It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass.
The doctor then says, I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening.
The man replies, Okay.
Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over.
All of the sudden the guy screams, Oh My God!!. What's wrong?, says the wife. The man replies, I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine.
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This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor. The doctor says, It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass.
The doctor then says, I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening.
The man replies, Okay.
Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over.
All of the sudden the guy screams, Oh My God!!. What's wrong?, says the wife. The man replies, I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine.
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Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q. What should you do if you come across an elephant in the middle of a jungle?
A. Wipe it off & tell him you're sorry! | |
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One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.
The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.
The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think?
The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.
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Shirts Off |
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A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane´s engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bitch, iron this." | |
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A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose.
"Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened.
Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either' |  |
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Why are there no amusement parks in China?
Because no one is tall enough to ride the rides! |  |
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1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick´s Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. |
Whoever wrote this was a genius!  |
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Alabama Farmer |
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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp. LoL
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Maine Crazy Laws
Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
You may not step out of a plane in flight.
After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.
AugustaTo stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.
Portland Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
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